I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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