we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
