you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
