How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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