went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
