We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
