I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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