Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
