Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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