my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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