yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
