I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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