'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
