he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
