I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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