Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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