Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
