Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
