hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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