your parents love me but you hate me
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
