Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
