His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
