I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
