dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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