Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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