I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
