She's JV to your varsity
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So much rum. So many feels.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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