Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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