2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Randomize
