She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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