and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
