you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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