Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
