If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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