So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
