Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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