I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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