I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
