I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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