so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
