Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
