i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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