Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Less talking, more tequila
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
