i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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