I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
