I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
