Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
