last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize