We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
