It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
