I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
