we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
