You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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