Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize