I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
