Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
please don't ironically join a cult
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