i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
