Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
