tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
