My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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