Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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