My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
