The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
